I have a few suggestions to help guide the revision process.
Thesis more developed by making some sort of “argument of inquiry” and add something to the conversation.
Add an engagement with the opposing viewpoint. This will be much easier once you’ve chosen your own side and refined your argument.
Differentiating between your words and the words/ideas of your sources. Right now, it is difficult to tell where one ends and the other begins. Make sure to use attribution, quotes, and in-text citations to make this clear.
Carefully proofread, as there are some sentence level issues throughout. Try reading your essay out loud and listening to sentences that don’t quite sound natural.